Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
