No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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