you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
