I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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