My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
