A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i came on her dog
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
not ubering you a puppy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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