Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
