My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
