pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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