if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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