you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
