My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Randomize
