last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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