i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
