Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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