This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
