im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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