and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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