sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He uses pillows to masturbate.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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