i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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