i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
