im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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