My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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