I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
