I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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