I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
