I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
