farters have to be the big spoon...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
