so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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