Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There are leaves in my underwear?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
