So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
