rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
