Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
