The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
