Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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