I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
