Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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