This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
