I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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