I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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