last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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