dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
