I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Randomize
