I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the condom got lost in my hair
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
