i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
