Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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