On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
