you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
