Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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