Michael Bay diarrhea
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
