he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
